One Year

It has been one year since her eye was removed. I am full of conflicted emotions today. We are lucky she is alive, that the tumor (although it filled 80% of her retina) did not touch her optic nerve (aka, pathway to her brain).

She is fierce, strong, amazing, beautiful, funny, demanding, loving, and more than I can properly put into words. I love you, my sweet baby girl.

Anger

Yes, I still hold onto the anger at the Dr. who missed the tumor in my daughter's eye. It was right there. We PAY you to do your job. Your job was to examine my baby. ALL of my baby. That tumor would have been seen when she was 3 months old (considering we have photos of it at one month). Her eye could have been saved, her life not AS threatened, if only you picked up your ophthalmoloscope and dimmed the lights to naturally dilate the eyes. Perhaps even once mentioned that it is a good idea to get a 6 month old baby's eyes checked by a pediatric optometrist. But no, you did none of that.

I question why I still have friends who know all we have been through that STILL see this Dr. She and her whole group (since we were there tons and saw different Drs and nurses) missed the TUMOR in my baby's eye. (of course it is not visible with the naked eye which is why you are provided with the instrument. It isn't a dust collector. USE IT!!!!!!)

Someday, when I can think more rationally, Dr. M. You will get a nice little letter from me.

"oh sh*t"

Scenario: Me, making dinner, a new recipe I have never made before, multi-tasking. I am draining my pasta and realize that I was suppose to reserve some of the pasta water. Rowan is sitting on her booster in her chair in the kitchen with me.

Me: (flustered) Oh shit!

My daughter: (big smile) Oh shit!!!!!

She said it loud, clear and was so proud of herself for getting that one right. I couldn't help but smile-that is my kid alright :)

...another attempt

...at giving her milk. (It has been months, so I thought I would try.)

Scene: Kitchen table, lunchtime, grilled cheese and chips on her plate. I place the opaque sippy cup next to her.

My daughter: (sips the glass)

Me: (look at her and smile)

My daughter: What's that? (points to cup)

Me: (slight pause) Milk

My daughter: (picks up cup) NO! (throws cup at me)

Help, seriously, help

Any of you guys sometimes just feel really stupid? I feel really stupid most of the time now. I have trouble saying words, pronouncing almost everything and just thinking quickly on my feet. I don't know what my problem is anymore, but I feel like such a dunce meeting new people cause I can't hardly remember things just said to me 5 minutes previously....It would suck if I have early Alzheimer's....But honestly, I think that is the way I have been feeling. I am pretty sure it is just cause my brain is a muscle that isn't being put to use....

help?!

Mission: Remove Eye and other things

Since my daughter has been to the ocularist, she has been blinking her eye tons. I decided since all the lub. ointments don't seem to be helping that I should take out the eye and clean it. This was the first time I have had to do this since she got her custom eye. (before that it just sort of fell out). Well the first try, I was very unsuccessful. She was good (she does my eye while I do her eye and makes it more of a game), but I just couldn't get it. When I started to tear up and get frustrated, I let it go. The next day was beach day anyway. So I HAD to do it. SHe again was very good. I got it on my second try! YAY. Cleaned it very well then put it back in NO problems. Then she went off to play and I just stood there and started crying. It was a successful venture, but everything we just went through this past year hit me like a ton of bricks.

We are nearing the anniversary of her diagnosis and her first cycle of chemo, all this coupled with her birthday last year. Her first birthday. The day I just wanted to reflect back on her birth and how much her being with us means to me. Instead I woke up earlier than early for her first surgery (port), then held her down as she kicked like hell as the nurse injected her with the poison that was going to help kill her tumor. This year...I am going to try to reflect on how lucky we are that she is still with us and some of the better parts of this past year as well as try not to dwell on all that went with her cancer.

down time

So when you are dealing with cancer and you are on this side of it (post treatment), time is measured by tests and exams. We are currently in "down time" and it is the longest down time we have had since Rowan was diagnosed. She is doing SOOO well too. All steps are going "ahead" for her! She doesn't even need to go back for an EUA until after her birthday (August 20th), well eight days after, but maybe we can actually celebrate her second birthday with friends and family instead of in a hospital. Last summer, she received her first cycle of chemotherapy on her first birthday. That was the worst day of my life and I am so happy she probably has no recollection of it. This year will be so different. I will reflect on her birth, her trials, her battle, her awesomeness and party party party! Nothing will be held back or held down this birthday. I am already trying to figure out how to make a Winnie the Pooh cake..there must be a mould somewhere...

Oh and she said, "dinosaur" yesterday...her first 3 syllable word.