full of bull shit

Ok, so I am not okay with this. I know this is what we have to do, but really, I am freaked out. How did we win the Rb lottery?! I didn't sleep at all last night and I am on the verge of tears non stop now. Rowan trusts us and although, we are making the right decision, her eye or her life, I feel guilty handing her over, scared to a bunch of strangers to remove her eye. She has such beautiful eyes too. This sucks.

Enucleation

So, I am trying to make myself come to terms with this. It has been easy to deal thus far because my daughter hasn't let three rounds of chemo slow her down at all. She has shot up 2-3 inches, learned to walk and run, gotten 4 more teeth, and learned at least 3 more words. She has been inspirational and through all of this. There is no way I would or could be as strong and full of life as she has been these last 3 months.

So this month, her cancer becomes real. She will have her eye removed this Friday. I am trying not to think of it as them taking away a perfect piece of my baby girl. What we gave her isn't perfect, it is poison. I am terrified and anxious. I don't feel prepared, but who can ever be prepared. I keep reminding myself that she will be free of this cancer after Friday. Yes, she will still have three rounds of chemo and a life time of exams under anesthesia AND prothesis fittings, adjustments, etc. I fear for it all. This is truly diving into the unknown for us.

Someday, I may be able to look at this experience and think, "it has just made us stronger." For now, I cannot even think that way. I know I am lucky to have a sound marriage, an amazing baby and a supportive family. WIthout those things, I would be lost.