full of bull shit

Ok, so I am not okay with this. I know this is what we have to do, but really, I am freaked out. How did we win the Rb lottery?! I didn't sleep at all last night and I am on the verge of tears non stop now. Rowan trusts us and although, we are making the right decision, her eye or her life, I feel guilty handing her over, scared to a bunch of strangers to remove her eye. She has such beautiful eyes too. This sucks.

Enucleation

So, I am trying to make myself come to terms with this. It has been easy to deal thus far because my daughter hasn't let three rounds of chemo slow her down at all. She has shot up 2-3 inches, learned to walk and run, gotten 4 more teeth, and learned at least 3 more words. She has been inspirational and through all of this. There is no way I would or could be as strong and full of life as she has been these last 3 months.

So this month, her cancer becomes real. She will have her eye removed this Friday. I am trying not to think of it as them taking away a perfect piece of my baby girl. What we gave her isn't perfect, it is poison. I am terrified and anxious. I don't feel prepared, but who can ever be prepared. I keep reminding myself that she will be free of this cancer after Friday. Yes, she will still have three rounds of chemo and a life time of exams under anesthesia AND prothesis fittings, adjustments, etc. I fear for it all. This is truly diving into the unknown for us.

Someday, I may be able to look at this experience and think, "it has just made us stronger." For now, I cannot even think that way. I know I am lucky to have a sound marriage, an amazing baby and a supportive family. WIthout those things, I would be lost.

Round 3 here we come

Or at least we hope. We still have one more blood test. Seems her levels dropped late this time, so there was a little scare. She has been acting and seeming fine though. Right now she is munching on some Gerber cheese curls. She loves them, but it is kind of gross to watch. She has been wonderful after Round 2. She has a little scabby looking area on her head under her hair that we will have the Dr. look at and she got a yeast infection (or what I thought might be one-we just called the pediatrician on this one) that has cleared up after a day on her yeast infection meds.

Things she loves to do. Run, get chased, pull all of our tupperware out of the cabinet (now I see the need for childproofed cabinets), mush her duck either by sitting on it or belly flop, read, be read to, sing and dance. Also she exclaims "da da!" when every her enters a room. Its cute, but it would be cuter if it were "mama!"

Round 2

Round 2 seems to be going better than round one. My daughter is kicking cancer's ass. The tumor has shrunk down 50%. Dr. Murray was excited to tell us the news. I could tell even though he still didn't that a breath when talking to us. I am impressed with our daughters spunk. The hospital doesn't seem as bad this time either. We have roommates, but they are quiet and it doesn't seem to hinder her sleeping...she is sleeping, so that is very good. I am very hopeful we will get to go home tomorrow before noon if not right around then. The Dr. has to make her rounds, so I hope she does it quickly. We have the zofran at home this time, so we can give it to her before she goes to bed. AND Nana and Papa will be there and so happy to see is as well as Molly and Zizek for a special greeting.

Life During Chemo treatment

So, life does return back to normal in between Chemo treatments. Baby girl got an infection after her first chemo treatment, and that landed us back in a hospital. At least this one was close to home. Grandma came because I needed my mother. That was nice. Since we have been home, life has been good. She is running now! She is such a ham. She hides behind the counter in the kitchen and plays peek-a-boo with me. When she gets tired, she just turns her head, but it still cracks her (and me) up. We had Inside Edition folks here last week. They air the episode tonight. I hope it comes out well and that my goal comes across. Get your baby's eyes checked! Well, I feel like I was the last to know, but I know I am not. I love you my sweet baby girl.