Cancer 15 and gray hair

Okay, so we were going to see some old family friends today. I put my daughter in a really cute dress and I was going to wear something as well. Try on dress #1-fits, but I need a strapless bra, next dress. #2, can't get it over my hips, okay, pretty sure that is how I used to get this dress on, fit over head, zipper isn't close to closing. #3, fits zipped, wait a minute, I see my arm pit fat. I want to now burn dress #3. Arm pit fat is the worst. I have officially gained what I call the "cancer 15." Similar to the freshman 15, these 15 pounds have been adding up over the course of the past 6 months since my daughter's diagnosis. I know I am making bad food decisions. I know it. I don't know why I am doing it. I love veggies and fruit, I am just not eating them. I am even making them for her, so what is wrong with me. I am making a pact with myself that I will start eating better from now on and continue with my running and exercising...taking her out for walks, taking the dogs out, etc. This not working thing is killing me. Weight was never an issue while I worked. Grrr.

Now, for gray hairs. These are also new since my daughter's diagnosis. THese I am enjoying. I like that I have white hairs growing from my temples (okay, just my right temple). These are war wounds. Yes, she ultimately fought the cancer but we did to. We were there with her, not sleeping, holding, consoling, etc. Her pain was our pain, her fight was also our fight. I will not dye my hair for at least another 6 months or until the novelty of my new gray wears off.

Oh and I guess we had a really really great week. I got sunburnt in February!

Friday's EUA

We were in for her first EUA post Chemo last Friday. I was really really nervous for many reasons, but here are the real 2:

1) It was just me and my daughter this time. Dad stayed home so he could "work." I hope those quotes don't really need to be there.
2) Dr. Murray was going to tell me she has tumors in her right eye now and I would have to digest that by myself.

Well there were NO tumors in her right eye!!!! We don't have to be back until May 8th! That is about 10 weeks! It is really really great news.

So overall the trip was great. Can't beat cancer free. I was exhausted as our daughter just screamed all night long in the hotel. I am thinking of just driving out at 2:30am for next time....It would be the same amount of sleep, but I will have coffee in the morning....

White Poop scare

So yesterday I change our daughter, nothing out of the ordinary until I look in her diaper and see strange white poop. Hmmm, That is odd, I tell my husband-he agrees it is odd. Must be something she ate, I toss the diaper and get her in the car to go to the Drs. She has that EUA on Friday and needs her clearance for anesthesia. Have a list (of course in my head-I need to learn to write things down!) of questions to ask he Dr. Amazingly enough, I remember them all. None of them involve white poop.

Fastforward to the end of the day. 8pm:

Me: "You get this one, whoa, stinky."
Husband: " Yes dear."

A few minutes later. He calls out.

Husband: "Odd this one is white again. Do you want me to save it so you can see?"
Me: "Okay, I guess, I think I am going to google it."

So I google "white poop." Seriously frightening. Everything says call Dr. immediately. I fret. I stress, I finally call the pediatrician we just saw earlier that day. I feel like an idiot for calling over poop. (esp since there is no blood this time!) Says it is probably just an enzyme, not to worry about it now, but keep an eye on it. She obviously hasn't googled "white poop." I said okay then and continued to worry.

Morning now. Poop. brown. Good. Doc was right. I wish I could learn not to stress. Cancer I guess changes things. Chemo changes things. I don't think I would have stressed if she didn't have cancer or the big bad chemo drugs. Kids poop-that is what they do. Will this feeling of dread over all unusual ever end?

Nothing New

Just nervous about this weekend (well Friday's EUA). Seems like her "birthdays" (18 months) all seem to bring life altering events. The first bringing her first cycle of chemo. Not my choice, but a hurricane made it that way. SO I guess that is the way it was meant to be. This time my daughter and I are doing it alone. I don't want it that way, but my husband has to work on his dissertation. HE HAS TO WORK ON HIS DISSERTATION!!!! No really, we really really need and want for him to get it done. I am nervous about 4 hours in a car with my daughter by myself. Grrrrrr. Think I will pack snacks and of course lollipops for the desperate times.

One more day to enjoy before "reality of cancer" hits us again.

BTW-she is doing GREAT post chemo-50% for everything! Her weight is climbing back up which is a great relief. She had dipped a little low for a while and is now gaining again!

Now if only I can get her to nap!!!!!

Running

So I have been doing fairly well with running. Lately, however, it feels like the first half of my run is great-beyond my expectations, then I crash. I can't figure it out. Yesterday, it was shear exhaustion (my first 630 am run, I figured). Today I ran at noon. I had a headache earlier, took Motrin, but it didn't go away and seemed to get worse as I ran. Dehydration maybe (although I did drink at least 2 large glasses of water this morning....).

So I am back to running at 7 pm. It seems to be what works for me and it also keeps my eating in check for the day. Running after dinner, not the best, but I usually eat a smaller portion that way. I wonder if I will push the time later as it gets hotter here. I am not really running for any reason other than health, and maybe running a 5K to raise funds for children's cancer research...(in my way future). I don't seem to be losing any weight though and I want those extra 10 "cancer" pounds to go away (weight I gained since my daughter's diagnosis) I decided to do some Gilad again. His Body sculpting series after 20-25 minutes of running...I am not sure where I am going to fit him in yet. Definitely my days "off" (which technically should be tomorrow, but I am going to try to a real run tomorrow evening instead of this crap I have been doing).

So there. I am really trying to eat well, run well, etc. I hope that next Friday's visit to Miami doesn't make me lose my motivation. It seems to have that effect. EUA post chemo-I am nervous, terrified, want to hear "all clear," get her push of hep, then get the hell out of that nasty, dirty, gross city.

Oh well

So she woke up with the eye in the right position, but moved it while cranky in the car.

On another note, and maybe I will write more on at a later date. I think there should be a club for depressed stay at home moms who feel their lives have turned to shit even though they get great enjoyment out of watching their children grow and learn.

Also, why is it, that I get no credit for the wonderful child our daughter is becoming?!

Eye update

So less then 24 hours has past and so far so good. She woke from her night sleep with it in the right position. The BIG test is nap time. She has been sleeping for 3 hours almost and I have to wake her up thanks to a stupid policy that you can't pay off your car online. Damn-now I have to go to post office and have it mailed overnight or something ridiculous like that.Grrr.

Well I am off to gently wake her up!

Eye news

We just got back from the ocularist. I arrived a bit late due to my remembering the time it take to go to Orlando incorrectly (1.5 hours!) It took me 1.25, so I was only 15 minutes late and they were not ready for her anyway. Normally he only spends 5 minutes with us.

My daughter screamed of course...it is hard to watch and be a part of, but I think we (My husband-who wasn't there today, and I) are getting used it. We know it does NOT hurt her, but it might be misinterpreted that way. I hope they don't put that spin on it. My daughter just gets scared when people hold her down and go for her face. Wouldn't you?! I would be and I have both my eyes and haven't been through a fraction of the things she has gone through this past year (and she isn't even 2 yet!)

So they added a bit to the top of her prosthetic and we hope that helps with the rotation problem we are having. Grrr. I sure hope it does...we will find out tomorrow morning.

Melodramatic

Okay, so I guess I was a bit melodramatic yesterday. Today is a new day and thanks to living in Florida, it is beautiful out. I got myself some new running shoes today and am eager to try them out. My last run was so disappointing, I think change will be good. That plus my old running shoes were over 2 years old and falling apart.

We also visited Dad today at work. Got to show off our daughter to some folks he works with. She really knows how to work a crowd. She got overtired though and fell asleep on the way home. I am still waiting for her to finally nod off. I will start dinner after this post. I have been planning on making this meal for quite a while now. Oh well. today is the day.

If I have time, I will start painting. I traced the drawing (I am lazy and drawing always takes considerable time for me.) It is my first human painting since I can remember, so I am not sure how it is going to turn out. There is also a dog in it (of course!) If this comes out well, perhaps I will have to do one with Rowan and the fur kids. We will see. Perhaps I should start to actually paint for a living (at home.) Now I am just trying to get back into the swing. Hopefully morning runs will lead to more productive days for me. Only time will tell (oh and a morning run-hope to start that tomorrow.) Working on getting out of this rut.

I take suggestions if there is anyone out there reading this.

BTW-My daughter goes back to the ocularist tomorrow. I hope there is something done about the constant struggle we are having with her eye. Grr.

Where we are now and now what?

I feel inspired to write another post after meeting two mom's who keep blogs at the Children's Cancer Center in Tampa, Florida. Of course, they are both better writers and have wicked senses of humor despite their own cancer fights with their girls.

So here we are. Done??? Perhaps, but obviously not done. The worst of it is over. She is most likely cancer free (although I really want to wait until the MRI to announce that officially). The MRI is in March. She has her next EUA in a couple of weeks and goes back to the ocularist this Thursday. I hope something happens there so she can't flip her prosthesis or take it out as easily as she does now. I hate having to fight her to put it back in. She is doing well though and each day she gets better, stronger, more defiant....

As for me. Well, I am depressed. I feel useless and just worthless and I am getting fat. I don't feel like a good mom or person most of the time, despite what everyone tells me. I am also stuck on a few words my husband said to me during a fight in December that hurt me more than he will ever know even though he apologized for them. I have done the whole "seeing someone" in the past, but I know I am the only one who can pull myself out of this. My daughter keeps me going for now, I seem to forget myself when she is around which is great. I guess, I know, the issues lie with me. I blame myself for her cancer, either my work, or my genes. Obviously, I didn't do this on purpose, but....it doesn't stop me from blaming myself.

So real upper. I also feel lucky that my daughter's general prognosis is good, really lucky. I fear for her. I see she is developing issues already with depth perception. Don't know where to go on that one.