Where we are now and now what?

I feel inspired to write another post after meeting two mom's who keep blogs at the Children's Cancer Center in Tampa, Florida. Of course, they are both better writers and have wicked senses of humor despite their own cancer fights with their girls.

So here we are. Done??? Perhaps, but obviously not done. The worst of it is over. She is most likely cancer free (although I really want to wait until the MRI to announce that officially). The MRI is in March. She has her next EUA in a couple of weeks and goes back to the ocularist this Thursday. I hope something happens there so she can't flip her prosthesis or take it out as easily as she does now. I hate having to fight her to put it back in. She is doing well though and each day she gets better, stronger, more defiant....

As for me. Well, I am depressed. I feel useless and just worthless and I am getting fat. I don't feel like a good mom or person most of the time, despite what everyone tells me. I am also stuck on a few words my husband said to me during a fight in December that hurt me more than he will ever know even though he apologized for them. I have done the whole "seeing someone" in the past, but I know I am the only one who can pull myself out of this. My daughter keeps me going for now, I seem to forget myself when she is around which is great. I guess, I know, the issues lie with me. I blame myself for her cancer, either my work, or my genes. Obviously, I didn't do this on purpose, but....it doesn't stop me from blaming myself.

So real upper. I also feel lucky that my daughter's general prognosis is good, really lucky. I fear for her. I see she is developing issues already with depth perception. Don't know where to go on that one.